You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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