I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
