i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
