go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
