What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Come share oat with me in your robe
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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