Dude my mom stole all your condoms
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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