I understand why you refuse to be sober now
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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