Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
