How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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