Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You can't special order awesome
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
