i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
