wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I AM VODKA MAN
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
