I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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