I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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