Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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