so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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