please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
