my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
