I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
