could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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