ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
