First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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