I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
