dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
