you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
