I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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