dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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