if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
