I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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