I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
being pregnant is like rehab
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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