I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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