don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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