im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
