your room smells of hookers.
And success
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
