I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
