Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
