I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Randomize
