in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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