I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
