I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
