Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
