What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
