they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
