Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize