i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
two words...techno handjob
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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