Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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