oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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