I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
