He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
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He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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