When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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