We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
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Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
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I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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