Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
