did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
