I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
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