She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
