So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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