Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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