We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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