you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
