I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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