when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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