i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
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Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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